I remember a lot of things right now. I remember how the sweetness started. I remember the love feel. I remember the struggle, of him being accepted in the family. I remember the awkward feeling of being new in the relationship. I remember my uncertainties at the beginning but I also remember how much I was willing to risk. I remember I was a professional and he was just a student. I remember that we did not mind that situation. I remember I started being jealous and how he insisted that I have no reason to do so. I remember that I trusted his words and at that time, I also remember that I made a vow to myself that I exist to inspire him. And so it went well. We had the ups and downs and I remember how we talked about it. Now I remember them as petty, small issues and funny. I remember how much I thought about him and his future. I remember how I supported him with his studies, those paper works, print outs, sideline projects and the understanding he needed whenever we need not to communicate for a while. Oh how crazy I was as I remember the distance I traveled and the risk I took just to get next to him even in a matter of 2 days. I remember how my tears shed as I left back home. I remember the 10 months of journey, being apart. I remember how we badly missed each other that moment. I remember how I spent to see him again, to help him have a relief from the stress. I remember how happy we were, spending time, catching up and forgetting that we’ll soon be apart again. I remember that tears once fell when our feet reached the airport. Months later, I remember how I waited at the place where he left and saw him coming again. I remember his smile, his changed looks, better than ever. I remember he prepared for the big day. I remember he walked down the school aisle and almost missed to receive the blessing to finish college until everyone realized that it was just a joke. I remember how proud I was and so was everyone who loves him. I remember the pressure of finding a job until finally, the right work came.
Then, I remember we realized that we were already in the year 3 glitch of the relationship. Then I remember how I got paranoid, jealous and started stalking. I remember how unhealthy that was. I remember I acted as the other party and all the awfully awkward moment when I revealed the truth. I remember my tears, lots of tears were shed. I remember him saying sorry. I remember us making a pact that we will still be okay. I remember how we tried and it worked. What happened was turned into a joke and I remember how hard we laughed about it. Months passed, I was struggling with insecurities again and he said I have no reason to doubt us. I went through the ups and downs again. I remember I had my best and worst days in a month. I remember he stayed and I remember we both figured things out. I remember we concluded that it’s just a woman issue on mood swings. I remember how I felt so bad about myself, of doubting, of not trusting again and blaming myself of always messing things up at then end of some days. And so, I worked on the trust issue again. I remember the 21 days to make a habit. I remember spending 21 days not viewing his Facebook account and not minding his phone so that I could get it off from my system. I remember I succeeded and never took a glimpse of his online activities again. I remember that my mind I wondered and puzzled again but I remember I did not entertain that instinct. I remember how he closed his phone when I was with him. And so it somehow succeeded. Then I remember that everything seems so right until accidentally, the information leaked right in front of my face.
I remember I stay calmed and thought that it might be just one of those ‘no big deal’ source of jealousy until he confessed. I remember he said it was just a “fling” and from there, I lost my definition of it and so everything worse followed. I remember I lost my definition of self-respect, trust, love but only betrayal, fooling around and discontentment.
Now, I am trying to remember all the good things that happened and I realized that it’s not that easy to remember them anymore. I can no longer differentiate the real from the drama and pretensions. I am hurt, badly hurt. I am ruined, badly ruined. I am tired, so tired. I am lost and I don’t know where to start. I am alone and I know I did this to myself when I started making him my world. So now, I can no longer remember myself, the beautiful self that I once knew.