I just had my first real heart break tonight. It pains to know how much I don’t deserve this heart ache but I should know that it will be more painful if I would not let this in now and if I will not let this consume me now. No matter where I start with my reasons and no matter what I would do to build up my defenses and keep myself from all this pain, I would still end up crying.
Does moving on begin with hating the other person to make all the good memories easier to forget?
Does moving on require me to put off all those stuff that would remind us together?
Does moving on mean getting myself outside my comfort zone and show the world the things that I can do more than what anyone else think?
Will I ever be able to move on from every good and bad things if I would make myself new fond memories with other people?
Will I ever be able to move on if I will keep myself busy in doing the things that I need to do?
Will ever be able to move on if I will just write and write and write?
No matter how hard I’ll try, I will never be able to move on and my heart will never ever be mended by anything nor by anyone but GOD alone.
In the beginning, He was there and now that it’s ending, He’s still here, always in control despite all my stubborn decisions and choices. At the end of it all, things will always begin with God. No questions asked. Just obey.
Although Halloween is coming up soon, it would not still be too late or too early to talk about love. Love has a very broad definition, too many means of expression and too complicated mechanisms of showing affection. In whatever way a person wishes to manage love, what would matter most is the sincerity that lies in the heart. But let me get a little bit silly this time. If you are to choose between a superficial love and artificial love, whether to give away or to receive from someone else, what would you choose?Of course, any of these two is not possible if you would not allow it to overwhelm you. That’s why I am just throwing this out as a “what if” but I hope, an interesting question to answer. It would be fun to read on your definition of these words, too! Thread on!
It’s the first day of the month and thank God it fell on a FRIDAY. Today is the perfect time to take a pause and you will definitely love the sense of Pleasure from that blank moment. Think nothing else but just the fact that your mind and body need this kind of break right there where you are and right now. In fact, if I may suggest, stop reading this, stop pondering on the things that happened the past days or month and stop planning on what needs to be done for the month of July. Let go of the gadgets just the way you want to let go of the worries and concerns of life. Just be with yourself and enjoy the Pleasure in taking this one powerful short moment of being in PAUSE mode.
I remember a lot of things right now. I remember how the sweetness started. I remember the love feel. I remember the struggle, of him being accepted in the family. I remember the awkward feeling of being new in the relationship. I remember my uncertainties at the beginning but I also remember how much I was willing to risk. I remember I was a professional and he was just a student. I remember that we did not mind that situation. I remember I started being jealous and how he insisted that I have no reason to do so. I remember that I trusted his words and at that time, I also remember that I made a vow to myself that I exist to inspire him. And so it went well. We had the ups and downs and I remember how we talked about it. Now I remember them as petty, small issues and funny. I remember how much I thought about him and his future. I remember how I supported him with his studies, those paper works, print outs, sideline projects and the understanding he needed whenever we need not to communicate for a while. Oh how crazy I was as I remember the distance I traveled and the risk I took just to get next to him even in a matter of 2 days. I remember how my tears shed as I left back home. I remember the 10 months of journey, being apart. I remember how we badly missed each other that moment. I remember how I spent to see him again, to help him have a relief from the stress. I remember how happy we were, spending time, catching up and forgetting that we’ll soon be apart again. I remember that tears once fell when our feet reached the airport. Months later, I remember how I waited at the place where he left and saw him coming again. I remember his smile, his changed looks, better than ever. I remember he prepared for the big day. I remember he walked down the school aisle and almost missed to receive the blessing to finish college until everyone realized that it was just a joke. I remember how proud I was and so was everyone who loves him. I remember the pressure of finding a job until finally, the right work came.
Then, I remember we realized that we were already in the year 3 glitch of the relationship. Then I remember how I got paranoid, jealous and started stalking. I remember how unhealthy that was. I remember I acted as the other party and all the awfully awkward moment when I revealed the truth. I remember my tears, lots of tears were shed. I remember him saying sorry. I remember us making a pact that we will still be okay. I remember how we tried and it worked. What happened was turned into a joke and I remember how hard we laughed about it. Months passed, I was struggling with insecurities again and he said I have no reason to doubt us. I went through the ups and downs again. I remember I had my best and worst days in a month. I remember he stayed and I remember we both figured things out. I remember we concluded that it’s just a woman issue on mood swings. I remember how I felt so bad about myself, of doubting, of not trusting again and blaming myself of always messing things up at then end of some days. And so, I worked on the trust issue again. I remember the 21 days to make a habit. I remember spending 21 days not viewing his Facebook account and not minding his phone so that I could get it off from my system. I remember I succeeded and never took a glimpse of his online activities again. I remember that my mind I wondered and puzzled again but I remember I did not entertain that instinct. I remember how he closed his phone when I was with him. And so it somehow succeeded. Then I remember that everything seems so right until accidentally, the information leaked right in front of my face.
I remember I stay calmed and thought that it might be just one of those ‘no big deal’ source of jealousy until he confessed. I remember he said it was just a “fling” and from there, I lost my definition of it and so everything worse followed. I remember I lost my definition of self-respect, trust, love but only betrayal, fooling around and discontentment.
Now, I am trying to remember all the good things that happened and I realized that it’s not that easy to remember them anymore. I can no longer differentiate the real from the drama and pretensions. I am hurt, badly hurt. I am ruined, badly ruined. I am tired, so tired. I am lost and I don’t know where to start. I am alone and I know I did this to myself when I started making him my world. So now, I can no longer remember myself, the beautiful self that I once knew.
Here is another spur of the moment write-up from your anjelmynd. At exactly this time, 5:39pm of February 23, 2016, I am sitting in the desk of the mister at the office with his superior. I am in an awkward situation right now that requires me to write this article. So what would we expect from here? Well, nothing but my thoughts about me, how I feel right now, all about this place and about what good can we all get from here. If you are in the same situation as I do, you would probably want the ground to open and swallow you up because this is really so awkward. I don’t exactly know as to how long will I be here but I hope it will not take an hour or not even half an hour please. And oh, did I hear it right? My awkward situation will end by 6pm so that’s a hooray for now. (grinning)
So what should we learn from here? If you will soon be in a situation like mine now, just do the mind-over-matter management of your thoughts, emotions and actions. First, you can think of the good and bad things that are happening around you and yes, leave it to yourself, at least, those bad ones. This is why I won’t be writing here any of the bad observations I have in mind but will surely share it to the mister who owns this desk. So as I let my thoughts play around, the next thing I am going to do (but I’ve actually been doing since the last 15 minutes) is to act busy. This is basically the reason why I get to compose this article, right? I will make myself look busy for another 10 to 20 minutes unless a companion in here will start talking to me or until an attention-grabbing situation will arise. But just now, I realized that there is another dilemma that I might meet along the way later on, if I won’t be able to break the ice during this waiting period. How will I ever gracefully make an exit when I want to? Because it seems as if I do not exist in here, until another sanguine will come in and talk to me. So does this mean I am going to start a conversation right now? Naaah! Never mind. I will just go on with this spur-of-the-moment writing act and entertain myself later, tomorrow or anytime I want when I get to read this article again. Everyone in here might think that I am a quiet person but they just don’t know how loud I am becoming right now. So loud that all of you can notice, except these people.
It’s 5:57pm (laptop time) and here comes the owner of the desk, talked to me for a while, I looked at him from near and from afar and I realized that I am going to miss this man in the next 5 days. Missing him is the reason why I am keeping up with this awkward situation. And because I love him enough, I know I can get through this circumstance with happiness and contentment. I no longer need to worry about having a graceful exit because I will do it with him. So right now, I am just listening to the ticktock of the clock and happily look forward to the moment when I can hear it fading through as the voice of the mister who owns this desk will totally get my attention.
Now here is another interesting artifact. I found a specimen of the mister’s desk. What on earth do these play cards doing here? Well, we’re both fans of Big Hero but surely that ain’t reason for him to keep these kind of stuff. Well, another brilliant idea that I have is perhaps, these cards were once owned by his stubborn students and now an embargo kept inside his drawer. So how will I prove that my idea is indeed brilliant? That’s already his call. We will all know soon after he will get to read this through.
So it’s 6:21 now, I’m all alone in the office and I guess it’s time to wrap this up because this is already getting lengthy and dragging. I will just browse through the internet during the remaining time that I need to wait for the mister who owns this desk.
Sincerely, the mister’s girlfriend (Seriously? So this is a letter in the first place!)
Yes, this article is published on the spur of the moment. It’s another lazy Sunday morning and it means doing those randomly interesting things such as listening to songs of any genre, ironing the clothes while planning the week ahead or entertaining my bad thoughts about people (yup, I can multi-task this way).
I cannot guarantee that this blog will be a one-themed blog because everything else that will be written here will really be out of the spur of the moment but for one sole purpose, to practice a skill in writing. 😀
I think this is all for now. Nothing interesting, right? 🙂
In love, yourself should be the first. Does this sound selfish to you? Yes it can be but allow me to go on further. In order to effectively show your love to others, you should have enough charge of love within you. I do not mean that you overdo the love for yourself because the love that you have for yourself is meant to be shared to others. Set your priorities as to how you’re going to divide such love. And when you will start to distribute them, be wise with whom you choose to give a portion of your love to. By being wise, you will not just give away your love in vain but expect it to be multiplied. Spread the love!